State of the Internet, Part 6: That Time Things Weren't Awful

Announcements from the Class Secretary: We're making this one quick.

Apparently, every minute wasted on the internet tonight is another minute of effort to set me up with one of New York's Finest "Hebrarem" as a 12:01 makeout partner sullied. But 2009 was a hell of a year for YM. No?

We took over Deadspin and rocked the joint. Dash didn't even read it. Krucoff's now both the nicest and the most attractive out of any of us. Eli played a Elipalooza, and it was glorious. We've celebrated 9/11. If they didn't know - and they didn't - now they know: Bakes is a better writer than basically everyone.

2009 was the year the inconceivable was conceived, and then, carried out: the School of Hard YMocks graduated a writer all the way up Denton's ass, which was in the same twelve month span that person also got a job with Mohney, who came out for drinks with us. With Spiers. And neither of them beat Krucoff or 99 into a fine frappe, like they probably deserved. For those of you who've been reading YM for way too long, you know this is like one of those alternate futures in Sliders.

But 2009, I think, and I'm sorry to do this to all of you, was the year of FAMILY FIRST.

We can honestly say that YM-Tang grew by, like, 50%. What was once an elite club of fuckheads is now almost entirely a fairly nice group of likable, welcoming people only cared about by fuckheads. Like me.

Maura, Ryan, Michael, it's like, how did this ever happen without you? Even Paolo! And did you ever think you'd be a part of the day when Brian Van felt like, I don't know, a by-marriage relative of this stupid enterprise? While we're at it, Jay Casey, you're a fucking weirdo and you scare me, but no more than I ever scared Krucoff, so I guess you're kind of in on this, too. We even got an ombudsman who cares a lot, and might be right to. Maybe not! But still: family. There are most certainly others who I'm forgetting. Balk, John, Peter, Lilit, AJ, whatever, whoever. There're a lot of them. Sac's still a crunchy asshole which I guess we need, and if he'd ever stop being a pussy, he'd come out to New York so I could say it to his face. Curt was smart and got the fuck out of dodge, but you know what it's like, right? We'll get him back. And speaking of resolutions for 2009, maybe I'll even get Abe Sauer to write for us. Unlikely, but who knows? After the year of GAMECHANGER, pretty much anything can happen.

Anyway. Thank you, all. It's been a good year for family. Truly.