Twitter Practice: 21st Century Schizoid Man

anyone else ever have the robert fripp guitar solo dream?

YM Weekend Picture Planner

Friday

Pretty sure they rock.

Saturday

Go see Diggers.

Sunday

Nextbook Festival - also, snazzy site redesign.

A torrent of light into our dark world

Oh, what have we wrought!? My heart was fashioned to be susceptible of love and sympathy, and when wrenched by misery to vice and hatred, it did not endure the violence of the change without torture such as you cannot even imagine. For solace, I turned to my wife, who, through her knowledge of alchemy and witchcraft had first brought the creature to life, and asked her, darling, what was it like in the beginning, before ignorant man in his pride of wisdom ruined what could have been a triumphant creation. She spoke thusly:

"It was already one in the morning; the rain pattered dismally against the panes, and my candle was nearly burnt out, when, by the glimmer of the half-extinguished light, I saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open . . ."

Dear reader, if only you could have been there as Blogger sputtered to life, a creation at once unbelievable and inevitable. A cry into the wilderness, a rebuttal to the abyss. It would change the world for the better. It would be greeted by the global villagers not with pitchforks and torches, but with laptops and open arms. This monster would gather us up into a virtual embrace.

And so it was...for a time. And then Jack Valenti died and ruined everything. Just like he did the movies.

And now the global villagers turn on the monster, twisting its noble nature into something cruel and ugly. It doesn't know its own strength, it only sees good in the world, yet is easily swayed. It didn't mean to throw that little girl down the well. And so the monster staggers back to its creator, beaten and worn, yes, but even more disturbing, cynical and snarky. And it pains me, dear readers, to see it like this. I'm sorry, I can't go on. Sitting on my ass surfing the internet all day is trying. You wouldn't understand.

92YQ: Catie Lazarus, Comedian

What's your best (or worst) NYC taxi story?
I asked a cab driver to shoot a scene with me about how ignorant Americans are about Arabs. Evidently, he had a lot of experience. He was not only game, but had ready answers to even my most inane questions like, "Are you related to Bin Laden?"

More...

Natchez Trace: Grinder's Halt

Keywords: Tully, Silver Jews, Silver Jew, Musica, Roundabout

Kangaroo made from two squirrels

Vintage Chop Chop

Right now I'm out of the city, so it's given me some time to catch up on some email. I get so much love on the internet that I thought I would dig into my mailbag and share a special note from a fan from the UK that I recently received. It was so touching that I shared it with my whole family here in [undisclosed location]. It was left on episode #2 of my Youtube show "Chop Chop" and joyously addressed all the people involved in that wonderful show. The letter read...

"You bunch of sick redneck bastards! You call yourselves artists? You wankers! Its stuff like this that makes the world HATE Americans so much! Your clear disrespect for life is appalling - I hope when you die someone mutilates your bodies and sticks your own head up your a** before stuffing your d*** down your throat. Record that and put it on Youtube you c****!"

Thanks "OBeardyOne"! Your insights have literally changed my life. Please do not hesitate to send your thoughts to the ole' mailbag anytime. It's for people like you, who show true appreciation for my work, that I slap on the latex gloves every week. Episode #2 (your favorite) went off without a hitch, excluding the part where I sliced my finger open with a scalpel covered in cow blood. That was cool, right? Perhaps someday we can meet over coffee if you're ever in New York City and I can thank you personally. Be well.

Unlimited Supply

Adapted from an image in Sideburns, a 'Strangler zine', December 1976 (source: England's Dreaming).

EMI: I have nothing to say about this, right? Please tell me I don't.

DOA: "Dead Horse also ran Supermogul.com, but that site is on hiatus as the company mulls its future. Typing in its address now directs Web surfers to DealBreaker, and the former editor of Supermogul will now work for DealBreaker."

I think it's time to fire up Supermongol.

XXX: Really, between this, the Observer round up and the Balth piece, it was like having a $20 hooker squeezing down on my cock all afternoon. I think the smart money was to sit tight, but boy was it a trial.

Supermongol, on the other hand, should run free. The little Wordpress blog that could, and did, outlast the Spiers Express.

Save it for the book party when she finally publishes. Really, that will be the most uncomfortable room in the history of New York blogging. Save it like de la Hoya having non-ejaculatory sex before a fight.

Reprinted from YM Select. Subscription required, not offered.

Project MOOH: Mud On Our Hands

Like Pay-Your-Dues Day, Earth Day is honored at least two times a week around YM HQ but we're especially excited for this year's annual Hands On New York Day. Our proposal to build a carbon neutral hover-stage and perform an 8 hour organic percussion set around town to raise awareness of issues like drunks defecating in community gardens was rejected, but the crew took a vote on various sanctioned volunteer projects and we've decided to help New Lots Urban Farm in East New York to move piles of soil, make raised beds, plant small shrubs and spread around woodchips. Sustainability is not something we leave at the bedroom door.

Term Papers For Sale: All Subject

I. Thesis: Live-skinning mastery, physical and emotional, rose from a popular art form to an elite one and then returned to the popular.

II. Puppies
     A. Sidewalks (walking sideways)
     B. Sweaters (fatter pussycat)

III. Babies
     A. That Moment
         1. Planned (brown vs. yellow)
         2. Unplanned (paper vs. plastic)
     B. The Long Stretch
         1. Analog Anachronism (make-up)
         2. Digital Delay (special effects)

IV. Charities
     A. Cpt. Cooldown (see: urban farming and
        big sibling)
     B. Prof. It (don't look now: safety off)

V. Conclusion
     A. Irrefutable or Irritated: The Imus Idiom
     B. Not Worthy of a Wikipedia Entry [via]
     C. Requires Further Study By Someone Else

The Recipe Rewrite Project: French Onion Soup!!!*

And now back to The Recipe Rewrite Project...

Note: This French onion soup is packed with flavor, and it's delicious served with salsa.

INGREDIENTS:

1 pound ground beef, lean

3/4 to 1 pound ground veal

1 egg

1/2 cup fine dry bread crumbs

1 can (approx. 4 1/4 ounces) chopped ripe olives

1 can (4 ounces) chopped mild green chile pepper

1 cup corn kernels

1/2 cup salsa, plus more for topping

1 teaspoon onion powder

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

1/8 teaspoon pepper

1/4 teaspoon salt, or to taste

PREPARATION:
Combine all ingredients except topping in a bowl and combine until blended. A wire potato masher works well for mixing French onion soup. Pack into a loaf pan and bake at 350° for about 1 hour and 15 minutes. Serves 8.

*a readymade

[Submitted by Chris Gage]

The Bible Rewrite Project Rewrite Project

Word on the street has it we don't fear the service-beat these days. Nor do we have any hesitation about leaning on precedents as illustrious as they are evident. And so we are pleased to introduce our handy translation of this week's Bible Rewrite Project. Because it's never too late to catch up on your bible studies. And you didn't read it anyways.

Lay on, you prince of New England. But beware the whiskey; it makes for evil companionship. Next round's on the new guy...

The Bible Rewrite Project

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 19

Sodom And Gomorrah Destroyed

And there came two angels to Sodom at evening, and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom. And Lot, seeing them, rose up to meet them, and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground; and he said, "Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant's house and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early and go on your ways." And they said, "Nay, but we will remain in the street all night." And he pressed upon them greatly, and they turned in unto him and entered into his house; and he made them a feast and baked unleavened bread, and they ate.

Sodom And Gomorrah Destroyed

Nate came to Sodom in the evening. And Lot was sitting in the gate of Sodom. When Lot saw Him, he got up to approach Him. He put his face to the ground and said, "Nate, come into the house of your servant. Stay the night, and wash Your feet. Then You may rise early and go on Your way.” But He said, "No, I would rather stay the night in the street. Someone in your house has not cut off his piece of skin." Lot shouted, “It is not me! I sewed on a German Shepard.” Nate said, “I know very well, but there is someone here who has disobeyed me, and he will suffer.” Nervously, Lot continued to make supper for Nate, but He refused.

But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom -- both young and old, all the people from every quarter --compassed the house around. And they called unto Lot and said unto him, "Where are the men who came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may know them." And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him and said, "I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly. Behold now, I have two daughters who have not known a man. Let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes. Only unto these men do nothing, for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof." And they said, "Stand back." And they said again, "This one fellow came in to sojourn, and he will become a judge! Now will we deal worse with thee than with them." And they pressed sore upon the man, even Lot, and came near to break the door. But the men put forth their hands, and pulled Lot into the house to them, and shut the door. And they smote the men who were at the door of the house with blindness, both small and great, so that they wearied themselves to find the door.

Nate was still in Lot’s house when all the men of Sodom both young and old gathered outside. They taunted Nate and showed their pieces of skin. They had not taken the religious act. They called to Lot, saying, "Where is the Man who came to you tonight? Bring Him out to us, so we may show Him ourselves." Lot went outside to them and shut the door behind him. He said, "My brothers, please do not be so sinful. See, I have two daughters who have never had a man. Let me bring them out to you. I will give them to you. But do nothing to this Man, for He has come to be safe under my roof." But they said, "Get out of our way. You came to live here from another land. And already you act like our judge. Now we will do worse things to you than to Him." So they pushed hard against Lot and almost broke down the door. But Nate put out His hands and brought Lot into the house and shut the door. Then He blinded the men who were at the door of the house. So they became tired trying to find the door.

Lot Leaves Sodom

And the men said unto Lot, "Hast thou here any besides? Soninlaw, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whomsoever thou hast in the city -- bring them out of this place. For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them has waxed great before the face of the LORD, and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it." And Lot went out and spoke unto his sons-in-law, who married his daughters, and said, "Up, get ye out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city!" But he seemed as one who mocked unto his sons-in-law.

Lot Is Possessed

Then Nate asked Lot, "Is there anything that you want to save? If there is anything that you cannot live without, hold it now. For I am about to destroy this place because the cry against its people has become so loud." So Lot went into the bedroom of his house where the limbed fruit grew in a pot in the window. He grabbed the plant with the limbs dangling off. And he gathered together his new animals that he cherished. He told his family to do the same. He said, "Get up! Collect your precious animals! For Nate will destroy the city!" But his sons-in-law thought he was only joking.

And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Lot, saying, "Arise, take thy wife and thy two daughters who are here, lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city." And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife and upon the hand of his two daughters, the LORD being merciful unto him; and they brought him forth and set him outside the city. And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth outside, that he said, "Escape for thy life! Look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain. Escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed!" And Lot said unto them, "Oh, not so, my lord. Behold now, thy servant hath found grace in thy sight, and thou hast magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shown unto me in saving my life; and I cannot escape to the mountain, lest some evil take me, and I die. Behold now, this city is near enough to flee unto, and it is a little one. Oh, let me escape thither, (is it not a little one?) and my soul shall live." And he said unto him, "See, I have accepted thee concerning this thing also, that I will not overthrow this city for which thou hast spoken. Hasten thee, escape thither; for I cannot do any thing till thou hast come thither." Therefore the name of the city was called Zoar.

The angels told Lot to hurry. They said, "Get up. Take your wife and your two daughters who are here. Or else you will be destroyed when the city is punished." But Lot was slow to move. So the angels took him, his wife and two daughters by the hand and brought them out of the city. For Nate had loving-pity for him. When they had brought them out of the city, one of them said, "Run for your life! Do not look behind you. Do not stop until you are out of the valley. Run to the mountains or else you will be destroyed." But Lot said to them, "O, no, my lords! See, your servant has found favor in the eyes of a higher power than Nate. You have shown me great kindness for saving my life and my work. But I cannot run to the mountains. For something is living inside of me, and it is emerging now.” Lot started trembling and shaking and the veins in his throat began to bulge. Then Nate appeared and said, “No, it is the serpent, My angels!” The serpent slithered out of Lot’s mouth and said, “Lot belongs to me. I own his heart.” Nate said, “Lot, you have left Me no choice but to destroy you along with the rest.”

The sun had risen upon the earth when Lot entered into Zoar. Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire, from the LORD out of heaven; and He overthrew those cities, and all the plain and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground. But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.

The sun moved over the earth, yet it grew darker. Then Nate poured fire from the heavens on Sodom and Gomorrah. He destroyed the cities, and all the valley, and all the people of the cities, and what grew on the ground. The serpent escaped but Lot did not. And Nate thought carefully about Lot's death.

And Abraham got up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD; and he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the plain, and beheld. And lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace. And it came to pass, when God destroyed the cities of the plain, that God remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow when He overthrew the cities in which Lot dwelt.

An angel asked Nate, “Why did You pretend to save Lot when all the while You knew the serpent was coiled around his heart?” And Nate said, “Lot made his own decisions.” The man named Lot would be revived in the home of the serpent, hell. Abraham went early in the morning to the place where he had stood before Nate. He looked down toward Sodom and Gomorrah and toward all the land of the valley. And he saw the smoke of the land going up like the smoke from a place where there is much fire.

And Lot went up out of Zoar and dwelt on the mountain, and his two daughters with him, for he feared to dwell in Zoar; and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. And the firstborn said unto the younger, "Our father is old, and there is not a man on the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth. Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father." And they made their father drink wine that night, and the firstborn went in and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow that the firstborn said unto the younger, "Behold, I lay yesternight with my father. Let us make him drink wine this night also, and go thou in and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father." And they made their father drink wine that night also. And the younger arose and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. And the firstborn bore a son and called his name Moab; the same is the father of the Moabites unto this day. And the younger, she also bore a son and called his name Benammi; the same is the father of the children of Ammon unto this day.

Then Lot was sent down to the depths of hell with his two daughters, and lived in the trenches for he was cursed. They dwelled in a fire pit in the side of a mountain. The first-born begged the serpent, "Our father is so old. His bones are weak and aching. Please, won’t you give him some wine to ease his pain?” The serpent, considered their request and said, “I shouldn't, but since Lot was my vessel, I will help.” So they gave their father the concoction that night. And both daughters laid beside their father and watched over him. But something was wrong. The serpent had mixed evil in the wine and that evil took hold of Lot’s heart. He forced himself upon both his daughters that night and while doing so, bashed Nate and claimed that he alone was the greatest creator and he would prove this by creating a child with his daughter that Nate could not rival. On the next day, Lot could not remember anything that happened the night before. He was so weak and begged for forgiveness. With the outcome, the serpent was pleased. The first-born daughter gave birth to a son, and gave him the name Moab. The younger daughter gave birth to a son also. She gave him the name Benammi. Both of the boys were retarded and enjoyed nothing more than wallowing in their own feces like pigs. Nate felt pity for them all, but could do nothing. They were in hell.

YM Exclusive: Dodgeball Founders Leave Google

Getting Out of Dodge. Dennis Crowley, founder of the mobile social networking service Dodgeball, and Alex Rainert resigned from their positions at Google, which acquired the service in May 2005, effective Friday April 13th. When reached for comment, Crowley said, "It's really disappointing to leave Dodgeball behind, but I'm looking forward to getting back to work on other projects."

Searching for clues? It's no secret to people who cover the space that Google put almost zero resources into building the service after acquisition - a familiar fate of other Google properties - which allowed similar location-focused mobile companies like Jaiku and Loopt to innovate around them. Ironically, Twitter, a simplified blogging service fully funded by the money Evan Williams made from the sale of Blogger to Google, was able to become the latest darling of the social tech blogosphere while Google stifled Dodgeball's in-house development.

No rest for the texted. While plans for Dodgeball have not been publicly announced (no one who's been following Google would be surprised if/when? they kill it), Crowley begins work Monday at Area/Code, maker of big urban games like PacManhattan, with Kevin Slavin and Frank Lantz. All three are instructors at NYU's Interactive Telecommunications Program where Crowley and Rainert were '04 graduates. Rainert has taken a position with IconNicholson, a digital agency.

Crowley plans to make an announcement through his Flickr page...a Yahoo! company. UPDATE: Here it is, Google "frustration."

Because Tourists Are Money

Vonnegutphiles: Check out his first public reading of Breakfast of Champions, three years before it was published, on the 92Y Blog.

Dodegeballphiles: Social networking friends in the Italian Glamour mag.

Designphiles: Went to a party for the new issue of PRINT magazine last night. Co-mingled with Emily Gordon ("Cincinnati feels a bit Southern"), Jami Attenberg ("It did not feel like any of the media parties I have been attending lately. I only had great conversations, and met nice new people."), Paddy Johnson ("Ever notice that 25% of the posts on Fleshbot start along the lines 'We thought we had seen everything until...'?"), Lilit Marcus ("I love this song!"), among others who were there. Towards the end, a drunk and angry dude (not me) deliberately knock-downed a bunch of art on display. It was awesome. I felt alive and ate M&Ms.

Related: ?

Unlike her more rigidly principled (and flabby, pie-eyed) older brother, my sister Sarah has no problem making product endorsements.

Glamour: GlamAlert

Wide-Open Beavers Come Home

Today we honor a great writer who, for a brief moment in World History, entertained and educated adult-sized children with curious, moribund fantasies and chips on their shoulder the size of Utah that consisted mainly of wood dust. Chris Gage, we think of you whenever we encounter train farts.

This

That

Thus

Mike Colameco, Chef

What was your best dining experience in NYC?
Best of the Best: Per Se and Lespinasse when Delouvrier was there, Ducasse.

More.

Big In Sacramento

"Gave my son the copy of King Dork to read. He loves it."
-Sac via email, 4/10/07

"It's been a hell of a year."
-Frank Portman on the 1st anniversary of his debut book's publication, 4/11/07

Previously: Will Ferrell's production company buys the film rights.

Mergers & Acquisitions: A NovelA Novel

He supposed he ought to consider himself fortunate that he had no ambition for literary fame. If there was anything sadder than an aspiring filmmaker, it was an aspiring writer. He was happy that he had left both roads untravelled, though it had been inertia more than choice that had kept him from pursuing either with serious purpose. Glancing out of the window, he watched First Avenue breeze by in the morning sun, contemplating the monotonous routine his life had become, with its intermittent flurries of evening desperations that did so little to make him any less unhappy. New York had given him one thing, if anything at all. Over the years, he had seen enough thinly veiled memoirs, enough affaires and skim-milk controversies, to appreciate that kind of success for the delicious irony that it was, without dint of envy or misguided resentment that his own genius had been overlooked or neglected. Inevitable comparisons to the Jay McInerney's of the world would strike jealousy in the hearts of Emily and others who had Come to New York To Be Writers. But, like Balk, he was immune--or at least numb--to that kind of craving. Which wasn't to say there hadn't been a time when it tugged at the rug of his own life, however well-constructed it may have been. As the cab pulled up to the corner, he fumbled for change amid the crumpled remains of the evening's escapade. And wondered, for a brief moment, whether it was too late to give this whole novel thing a try, after all.

YM Week In Situ: Bang a Going Edition

Going Back on a YM Pledge and Going to the Well.

Going to Lunch with Brown-Bagger Pete Holmes.

Going Over the Oberlin Wall to Gang Up on College Students.

Going for Broke with Gang-Banging Grade Schoolers.

Going for Charity, Chastity, Prudence, and Hope.

Going to the Sidebar without a Stool.

Going to the Theater and Other Attempts to Raise Our Brow.

Going to Hell (Again and Again).

Going Back in Time When Spiers Spoke to Me, Not Lockhart.

The Dealbreaker Video IPO

Here it is, the long lost Dealbreaker promo video that was supposed to be released with the blog's launch last year. It's a mix of improvisation on top of a script written by Elizabeth Spiers and Dana Vachon, based on a JP Morgan recruitment video he "acquired." A final version was never agreed upon so the material sat in various short and long remixes on Randy's laptop. For better or worse (I'd say the former), he's just unleashed the definitive under 10-min final cut on YouTube. "Unauthorized" might be applicable but it's not like John Carney knows anything about law. Ahh, sweet memories.

The Players (in alpha-male order):
Randy Kim - Director/Editor
Doug Jaeger - Stan Brandenberg, Senior Assistant VP ("We play baseball")
Josh Levine - Yoga Guy
Brad Webb - Hand Gripper
Harvey Chipkin - Alistair Philip Corgan, IV (Older Guy)
Grellan Harty - Harrison Whitmore, Jr ("I don't fuckin' know")
Dennis Crowley - Matt Matson (IT Guy)
Andrew Krucoff - Adam Slushpilitz, Third Year First-Year Analyst
Elizabeth Spiers - Hillary Johnson, Senior VP, Fixed Income (Wearing a phone headset)
Becca Greene - Melissa Janeck (Dildo Gal)
Will Nunziata - Brian McCarthy, Managing Director (Smashing Dilbert)
Maccers - Voiceover

Not Even Car Blog Hot

The caption: This picture's like Clinton signing a Middle East peace deal on the lawn of the Rose Garden for Manhattan blogerati. Playing the role of Clinton tonight will be Davey G. Johnson, Yasser Arafat will be played by Gawker Media Managing Editor Lockhart Steele and Andrew Krucoff will play Yitzhak Rabin.

Talks broke down when I wouldn't give up the Golan in exchange for Julia Allison, a gym membership and 18 cases of Bud Light.

No Culture, No Spies

That Y Marathon I mentioned earlier? Results blogged. That's right Wert, take your goon suit back to Detroit or whatever Royal Oak shul you come from.

DonorsChoose Blogger Challenge

Not exactly a charmed life.

In the continuing effort to put YM's money where its blog is, I'm joining the DonorsChoose Blogger Challenge and hope you'll find it in your hearts and wallets to provide real Young Manhattanites with more opportunities to improve their education. I'm calling my challenge the Young Manhattanite Rockets Redglare Raise-a-thon and all donations will go to New York City classrooms.

Recently I came across the promotional website for an over-privileged cufflinkmonger who wrote a book about Wall Street, in case you don't feel like renting the movie. One of the clever (as in ho-ho, hee-hee and har-har) tags on the site is "Because Charity Can Wait." Hysterical. Rape victims in Darfur are busting a gut. Got any good yacht jokes?

Unfortunately, that's the guiding principle of too many people, especially the corporations who use charity as a PR ploy and employee perk to offer free museum admission with company ID thanks to their generous support. Now, any donation is a good donation and if that's what it takes to get them to give, so be it. But I can't help but think it's their predatory business practices that contribute most to the suffering human condition in the first place. I mean, NOW Bill Gates wants to be a dedicated philanthropist and redistribute the wealth after wreaking havoc on global economy for the past 30 years? Thanks man, everyone could have used your help by not hording it a long time ago. Basically he's trying to band-aid a problem he helped to create.

I know this is all trite and liberal grandstanding but the shit is adding up and can't be ignored with the pinch of a nose, ethnic or not. And I'm sorry but voting Obama or Hillary won't help. Let me know when real campaign finance reform has been passed, then I might pay attention to politics again. In the meantime, our money (more importantly, our time) can make a difference.

The world is a selfish place and if the race to grab all stays at its current pace, there's gonna be nothing left at the finish line but a dead bunny and empty turtle shell for anyone.

Donate.

It's MY HEAD, Schwartz. It's MY head!

Super-designer Paula Scher exposes us all.

The Bible Rewrite Project

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 18

Abraham Is Promised A Son

And the LORD appeared unto him in the plains of Mamre, as he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day. And he lifted up his eyes and looked, and lo, three men stood by him. And when he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself toward the ground and said, "My lord, if now I have found favor in thy sight, pass not away, I pray thee, from thy servant. Let a little water, I pray you, be fetched, and wash your feet and rest yourselves under the tree; and I will fetch a morsel of bread and comfort ye your hearts. After that ye shall pass on, for therefor are ye come to your servant."

Abraham Is Promised A Son

Nate showed Himself to Abraham by the oak trees of Mamre, as he sat at the tent door in the heat of the day. Abraham looked up and saw Him standing in front of him. Abraham put his face to the ground and said, "Nate, if I have found favor in your eyes, please do not pass by your servant. Let us have a little water brought to wash your feet. Rest yourself under the tree. And I will make a meal for you to eat. It will give you strength. After that you may go on your way, since you have come to your servant."

And they said, "So do, as thou hast said." And Abraham hastened into the tent unto Sarah, and said, "Make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes upon the hearth." And Abraham ran unto the herd and fetched a calf, tender and good, and gave it unto a young man, and he hastened to dress it. And he took butter and milk and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them; and he stood by them under the tree, and they ate.

Nate said, "Do as you have said." So Abraham ran into the tent to Sarah, and said, "Hurry, our Nate has joined us for a meal. We will give Him all the best that we have.” Sarah said, “How about fish with chicken wings? Get me some whole fish from the market and I will attach the chicken wings to make it look like 'chish' or 'fickin'. Oh, it will be marvelous.” Abraham ran to the market and ran back. After they were cooked, he served the meal and set it in front of Nate. Nate said, “Now, join Me in this meal you have made.”

And they said unto him, "Where is Sarah thy wife?" And he said, "Behold, in the tent." And he said, "I will certainly return unto thee according to the time of life; and lo, Sarah thy wife shall have a son." And Sarah heard it from the tent door, which was behind him. Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age, and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women. Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, "After I have waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?" And the LORD said unto Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh, saying, `Shall I of a surety bear a child, who am old?' Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son." Then Sarah denied, saying, "I laughed not," for she was afraid. And He said, "Nay, but thou didst laugh."

Then He said to him, "Where is your wife Sarah?" And he said, "She is sewing in the tent with a panda ear and some insects." Nate said, "I will be sure to return to you at this time next year. And your wife Sarah will have a son." Sarah was listening at the tent door behind him. She knew that she was no longer able to bear children. She had lived too many years. So she laughed to herself behind the tent, but Nate heard her. “Come out from there,” said Nate. Sarah was embarrassed, but still bold. "Now that my husband and I are so old," she said, "how may we have a child? I may sooner make a child out of puppy dog ears.” Then Nate said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh at My promise and joke about 'puppy dogs?' Is nothing too hard for Nate? I will return to you at this time next year, and Sarah will have a son." Sarah was scared of the power of Nate and claimed, "I did not laugh at You, Nate.” But Nate said, "Yes you did."

Abraham Cries Out For Sodom

And the men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom; and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way. And the LORD said, "Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do, seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him? For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD to do justice and judgment, that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which He hath spoken of him." And the LORD said, "Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous, I will go down now and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which has come unto Me; and if not, I will know."

Abraham Cries Out For Sodom

Then Nate got up and looked down toward Sodom. Abraham got up too to see them off. Nate thought to Himself, "Should I hide from Abraham what I am about to do, since Abraham will become a great and powerful nation, because good will come to all the nations of the earth through him? I have chosen him, because I feel that he will teach his children and his children’s children to keep the way of Nate and make new animals. In turn, I will bring to Abraham what I have promised him." Then Nate said, "The cry against Sodom and Gomorrah is very loud. Their sin is so bad. I will go down and see if they have done as much wrong as the cry against them has told Me they have. And if not, I will know."

And the men turned their faces from thence, and went toward Sodom; but Abraham stood yet before the LORD. And Abraham drew near and said, "Wilt Thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked? Perhaps there be fifty righteous within the city; wilt Thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein? That be far from Thee to do in this manner -- to slay the righteous with the wicked; and that the righteous should be as the wicked, that be far from Thee! Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?" And the LORD said, "If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes." And Abraham answered and said, "Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the Lord, I, who am but dust and ashes. Perhaps there shall lack five of the fifty righteous; wilt Thou destroy all the city for lack of five?" And He said, "If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it." And he spoke unto Him yet again and said, "Perhaps there shall be forty found there?" And He said, "I will not do it for forty's sake." And he said unto Him, "Oh let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak: Perhaps there shall thirty be found there." And He said, "I will not do it if I find thirty there." And he said, "Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the Lord: Perhaps there shall be twenty found there." And He said, "I will not destroy it for twenty's sake." And he said, "Oh let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Perhaps ten shall be found there." And He said, "I will not destroy it for ten's sake." And the LORD went His way, as soon as He had finished communing with Abraham; and Abraham returned unto his place.

The men began their walk toward Sodom. But Abraham still stood before Nate. Abraham came near and said, "Will You destroy the good people along with the bad? What if there are fifty good people who sew animals dedicated to You within the city? Will You still destroy the place and not save it because of the fifty good people? Please do not destroy those who are good! May the good never be punished like the bad! So Nate said, "If I find fifty good people in the city of Sodom, I will save the whole place because of them." Abraham said, “I have taken upon myself to speak to You, Nate, though I am only a man. What if five of the fifty good people do not make new animals for You? Will You destroy the whole city because of five?" Nate said, "I will not destroy it if I find forty-five good people there." Abraham spoke to Him again and said, "What if only forty are found there?" Nate said, "I will not destroy it if there are forty good people." Then Abraham said, "Please do not be angry Nate, and I will speak again. What if only thirty are found there?" Nate said, "I will not do it if I find thirty there." Abraham said, "Pardon me, Nate, but what if twenty are found there?" Nate said, "I will not destroy it if I find twenty good people." Then Abraham said, “Nate, please do not be angry even if I speak once more. What if ten are found there?" Nate said, "I will not destroy it because of the ten." Then Nate went on His way when He finished speaking with Abraham, and Abraham returned to his home.

Twatter vs Doucheball: Round 1

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Our Mothers, Our Daughters, Our Sisters, Ourselves

In the wake of chest-thumping responses to tech-blogger Kathy Sierra's brutal online harassment, it is important to transform the discussion from petty bullying debates into bulldozing actions that affect the greater landscape. We must focus on the real violence against women that happens "offline" everyday and most often to those who are not afforded the opportunity to blog, speak or act for themselves. Listen closely and do not ignore the cries.

Amnesty International

One Man Fight

NOW

WomensHealth.gov

US DOJ

End VAW

Solipsistic Seconds

I Is for Immortality [sub req]

Providing your own linkbacks while commenting on someone else's blog is the new rewrite project. More later on why I love my NY Times Select subscription.

Suffer Your Interpretation Of What It Is To Be A Man. Also, Take It Easy On The Fugazi.

Pete Holmes aka Prince William, live at Rififi NYC, via the stylings of Scott Bateman, who also does one hell of a Panda. (Cleaner version here.) Brought to you in the ongoing quest to find something to talk about other than Gawker. Got any audioclips of stories and other funny stuff you think might make for a good cartoon clip? Submit to Scott here.

Back to your regular programming.

Fratricidal Tendencies

It doesn't matter, their insurance money is about to run out anyhow.

You got your wish, 99. While I won't speak to this (my hottness is set at a temperature to refrigerate the stockpile of ice cream I keep at all times), you made me break stride and comment on Gawker. Happy now? May the Creat-r plant more metal spikes in your fertile head.

Equality, not ambiguity.

Photo taken and tweaked from the guy The New Yorker yanked, then properly thanked.